Even in darkness there is light, but which one to follow?

Monday February 9^th 2009:  Life has its turns and twists and you can not always prepare for what is coming.

I rose from the bench and let someone else guide me. The direction at that time didn’t seem to matter much. But someone else or something took charge and led me following the path back to town. Technically, it was the very same path I had walked all the other days before this “Oh Yes!” but as time and dimensions had changed, I rose up far from technicalities, concrete and dust.

Life is for real, that’s for sure, but aren’t there two sides of it? And I don’t mean death in any way; that’s quite another story.

I started walking, but at a pace that technically would have taken me nowhere. The path doesn’t seem like before, even though I recognize myself. Ah… now I get it, life repeats itself, like walking the path over and over again, but time doesn’t. So where am I, what sign did I follow, who took me here?

Those were too many questions to answer at one time and the path suddenly narrowed and ended as if vanishing beyond weeds and sharp thorn bushes that now were standing in my way. I was stuck. Reality suddenly came back at me, prohibiting me from going any farther. But what was there beyond all those weeds and thorn bushes, beyond, farther along the path? I don’t want to go back I said to myself, I already know what’s back there. I want to move on. I want to move on living… “Life”, the path opens up and all the weeds and sharp thorn bushes gently invite me to continue. I move on, a bit surprised perhaps, but at the same time I feel very flattered.

Strange? I see bits and pieces spread out along the way, like footprints from shoes having walked the path before me. Surprised I recognize every one of them. I don’t remember when, where or how, but the sight, the pattern, it fits, it’s definitely me, but not me alone. I somehow feel comfort in what I see and start to pick up the bits and pieces like something I need, something I need to have and bring with me. And as I do, they turn into flowers in my hand and it makes me feel happy. For every little bit or piece I pick up and bring with me I feel more alive. The path widens and I see more and more flowers spread out on the ground. They harmonize in both shape and color with those I carry in my hands. I carefully select and pick some and as I continue my walk, the path I follow leads me to a place I recognize with joy. There is a door there and I ring the bell. I need not wait long before I hear steps from behind, unlocking the door and opening it up wide open. It’s Marianne and I hold before her the flowers I’ve picked, these those flowers in our life we have in common. These, those bits and pieces that make us happy being together, making us live and as a whole make us a pair despite me having changed gender.

I step down those last steps of the path; I’m back in town again. I have reached my destination after yet another walk. I haven’t brought any flowers though, it’s still winter here where I’m staying. But even so, every one of the flowers back there, even if in my imagination, represents life for me.

It has gone dark outside and it’s raining again. My diet dinner I won’t talk about, but as I’m eating (whatever, mushrooms, carrots something), light suddenly comes shining in through my apartment windows. There’s a rip in the sky and I’m quick to get my camera. It’s the moon, it’s full and the circle it creates in the sky is complete and perfectly round. The moon, the very light that both Marianne and I can see and feel even though we are far apart.

What ever I did and what ever thoughts I had today. I would say that “Life” was guiding me.