Marriage 6: It’s there before your feet, but will you ever get there?
Thursday August 20th 2009: To enter a marriage is not that difficult; to maintain it is quite a different story. To quit or dissolve a marriage can be as easy as filling in a form; to separate from a loved one or being forced apart is however not that easy. Marriage can be like life at its best, but a marriage can also destroy you. The difference may seem huge in one sense, but like a snap of a finger things can change and turn opposite. It may be no one’s fault if a marriage ends, and, like life, simple everyday circumstances can make it happen.
But like life things can be the other way around. Marriage is a circumstance in which we live in, and how we interact and care for each other, that other person can turn out to be the one, the story of our life.
…
There was something about Hans, like I had heard his story before but never really listened. He had lost his wife early in life as I had too. He had been left alone with his child as I had been too. If not a straight down parallel, there were some things he told me that I recognized more than well. Hans was nice and caring and as Marianne and I had done with the others, I offered him my friendship and invited him to have dinner with us back in the train. Hans looked at me for a second like happy smiling inside and then he accepted in a relieved kind of way.
We went over to the other car and we first met Oscar and Roger coming out from their restroom fully dressed up and ready. Damn they looked good, showing themselves off to both me and Hans and to themselves of course. It was very obvious they had enjoyed dressing up and as I presented Hans to them, they first politely greeted him by the hand, but after a second Oscar changed his somewhat strict manner and “What the heck” he said and buried Hans in a welcome hug that almost made him disappear. And so did Roger too.
“Welcome Hans, great to have you on board!” Roger exclaimed as he hugged Hans hard.
Roger released Hans holding his shoulders with stretched arms examining him thoroughly as Oscar did too. I didn’t have to do anything; Hans was now in for it, same as us others as it seemed.
“If I’m not mistaken we have something for you here.” Oscar said turning his attention to the hanger behind Hans.
“Right!” Roger agreed. “But only if you wish real hard you will have it.”
Hans seemed to fit right in and he closed his eyes as in pretending to wish real hard and voila, Roger turned him around to let Hans have a look. I just had to laugh. The next scene was these two huge guys guiding Hans in style about dressing up and Hans seemed to love it. The one and only suit hanging there was just right for Hans, and I, as having been a man before, had never liked suits, I hated them. But know after have changed gender, I very much enjoy a man in a nice suit. Don’t ask me why, I just do.
By the way, Oscar and Roger, the two coming on board like Hells Angel type of guys in jeans leather and all, they now were dressed up in suits too and they were as happy as can be. How on earth…? and I had to ask them.
“Oh no,” they said. “Our other clothes we have because nothing else fits, but these suits for once do fit us beautifully. This is great, just what we wished for.”
I guess there are different ways of looking male and now Oscar and Roger showed another side of themselves that I never would have thought of when they first showed up coming down the aisle. I mean, that super macho guy type you don’t even dare to speak to and now with trimmed beard, hair and all, God they were handsome looking.
So Oscar and Roger took good care of Hans and instructed him thoroughly what to do and ask for in that restroom. I assumed that it wouldn’t be long before he was finished, because in there he could spend all the time he wanted as I had done. After taking care of Hans, Oscar and Roger turned their attention towards me and in the best manner possible they escorted me to the others in the bar.
I was right. Hans soon joined us and he looked great and extremely happy. Somehow we all had been dressed up for an occasion we had no idea of what it was, other than dinner of course. Hans got his drink and was enthusiastically welcomed by Marianne, Helen and Roy too. Like old friends gathering for a party we started to talk and enjoy ourselves from second one, no one excluded. The only interruption was when our train conductor announced dinner was ready and advised us to follow him into the next car back in the train. Curious as we all were we happily did.
That next car was all arranged as a dining room. A dining room with only one oval table placed in the middle. Our dressing up fitted right in with style and decor; everything seemed to be prepared for, and we were advised to take our seats. We continued to talk to each other like at random. A couple of minutes later our train conductor had changed his outfit too and he now approached us as our waiter for the rest of the evening. He for the first time presented himself by name, Henry it was, and gave us each a menu to look at.
There was not much on the menu, only seven three course dinner packages, each thoroughly described on one page each, but as before that was all we ever could have wanted. Starters were served with drinks and all and we began to introduce ourselves to each other in a more structured kind of way. Marianne and I were first out and we both told about us, our relationship, being married and all and with me having changed gender. It all felt so natural and not an eyebrow was raised. Marianne told some about her background being married before and I did too and I also told about my children and being a grandfather and all.
Somehow it felt so good just saying those things without feeling the need of bragging, like trying to fit in and be accepted. These people were sort of strangers to us anyway, so Marianne and I just opened our minds wide; what possible harm would that do, was our thinking. No offense was taken; instead we received appreciation in more than one way. It was as if that polite societal facade dropped and dissolved in thin air, leaving just us, the remains of us, the persons we were inside without any strings attached sitting around a table talking. And such, we all told the others our stories.
Helen and Roy told about themselves as being happily married, but they felt trapped somehow by their farming and living their countryside way of life. Many times you think of the free countryside where you can live your life as you want, but it wasn’t so Helen and Roy told us. There were those expectations, religious or not, telling you what to do and how to behave. Like you could dress like a bum, no problem, but trying to put on something nice for instance, like dressing up, you would be stared at and rejected. Coming out like this felt like heaven they said, like for Roy experiencing his beautiful wife showing herself to him and to be among friends without feeling the need of pretending. For Helen it was the same, like for once get a look at the handsome man she was married to.
Oscar and Roger confirmed them being a pair and they had been so for long. Living together as they did, they had people harassment and society discrimination outside the door constantly. Even if no one had tried to physically attack them, there was talk. People avoided them and that feeling of disapproval was present at all times. They recognized a lot of what Helen and Roy said about feeling trapped and their way to get some kind of respect was sticking out as they did in jeans and leather and all. That was kind of accepted, but trying to blend in as a gay couple same as any other was not.
Hans then told us his story and he said that he recognized and had experienced the same as us, like being trapped, but only after his wife had got sick and died. There were these friends of his that he couldn’t spend that much time with anymore, as he had his daughter Kate to take care of and spend some time with. Instead of supporting him, coming over visiting and such, his friends advised him to hand over Kate to one of their wives so they could go out for a beer. Hans had told them that he just couldn’t do that, like abandon his daughter like that for a beer? And as a consequence he was no fun to be with anymore. “Who would like to have me at a party showing up alone? And worse, being a person whose wife had died; what to talk about? That would be embarrassing, wouldn’t it?” Hans said sort of smiling.
I for sure knew what Hans was talking about, as I had experienced the same back then when my wife died. But so did the others in their way of understanding. I however did know a lot more by my experience living through that and somehow I felt us around the table come closer to meet.
Henry our waiter for the evening showed up when we had finished our starters while introducing ourselves. It now felt as we all were ready to move on to the next course and we did.
…
There are things you can’t really grip or understand because it all seems so distant. If the distance from
Marianne and I as a pair, would we still be married? Would I, could we, reach that far? What about people, would they hesitate before the distance meeting us; was it possible for them to understand?
