Li Sam :: Traveling, a Message and then Thoughts

Monday February 16^th 2009: It was on the bus between Gatwick and Heathrow airports that my mobile phone rang. This was Saturday and I was on my way home from Guernsey. A friend called me and I got the message that another mutual friend had died about two and a half weeks ago. I have come to an age where people in my surroundings begin to die and I have experienced my first wife dying, so in a way I should be prepared for these things happening. But regarding death you never really are.

This friend that died was 42 years old and she died by her own hand. She was transgender as me and had changed gender a couple of years ago just like me, but she had had a hard time with family doing so. As my friend on the phone very aptly expressed it “She had too much baggage” and I just had to agree on that. Marianne has also met her, inviting her home to us on two occasions. So in one way you could say we hardly knew her having met her only twice, but that’s not so. We knew her very well because of her story changing gender like me.

Marianne and I have been there on that same path and we know that kind of “Baggage” well and we are aware of the weight and that it sometimes can be too heavy. What her baggage included that I can’t say, since hers originated from her early childhood and teens. The thing is that you can’t carry a weight like that for too long a time either, it wears you down. What went wrong in her story was being born male. If she had been born a girl, things most certainly would have turned out quite different. We most probably would never have met, but I can imagine the enjoyable person she then would have been.

Coming home and telling Marianne this sad news, she felt the same as me. We definitely knew her in so many ways; she was no stranger to us. During Sunday I had to unpack with everything that comes with that and even though Marianne and I felt the loss of a friend, she was still there in our thoughts.

We remember her as a gentle, kind and enjoyable person and we remember her as the woman she was. Those dinners as our guest will remain; we don’t feel like she has left us. Marianne and I care about the moments we have together and she belongs there with us, nothing of that has died. She has a place together with us in spirit and mind and I’m sure she has that together with a lot of other people too.

Her name, Femke Olyslager, was a light in spite of all her problems and as a ray of light that sometimes peeks in through our windows, she will always be welcome by us.

The moments we share in joy, Femke will be there within us.

Marianne and Li

Keywords: Personal, Diary

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Re: Traveling, a Message and then Thoughts

by naa2007 on Sun 29 Nov 2009 12:03 AM CET | Profile | Permanent Link

Oh Li, I have read this journal page several times. I have also read the memorials to Femke on Lynn Conway's site. What a shame. Why is it so easy to reject the feelings of a transsexual person? How can people be so selfish? How can they withhold their love? How can they hold hostage their dear children? Are they so arrogant that they think they know the mind of God and are empowered to do His work?

I am so grateful that I have never experienced such dysphoria, or such hatred from other people that I have ever felt suicidal. I have some experience with suicide as I know several people who have ended their lives. My oldest son attempted suicide twice before dying of natural causes two years ago. Though none of these people were transgendered, I do have a real burden for my transsexual brothers and sisters. I believe the only solution to gender dysphoria is education. Until people understand transsexualism, there will always be prejudice, phobias, guilt trips and other unhealthy pressures placed on transsexual people.

As hard as it is for the transsexual person to accept who they are, it is much harder for the people around them. That's why I think your book, Behind Waves, and your blogs are so important. That's why web sites like Lynn Conway's and speakers like Jessica McKinnon (and many other examples) are so important. And it's why I have published my web site. Keep up the good work. - Nicole

Re: Re: Traveling, a Message and then Thoughts

by Li Sam on Sun 29 Nov 2009 10:17 PM CET | Profile | Permanent Link

Hi Nicole,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on my blog; I really do appreciate you being present. The last couple of month I have been heavily occupied with my business and haven’t had time to keep up with my blog and website, as there are some necessities of life that you can’t escape.
You question a lot and you are entitled too. I questioned a lot too when I got the message of Femke’s death, even though I sort of knew the answerers beforehand. It’s for sure so that people can be selfish and sort of think they know what’s best for you, but that’s their mind speaking. You talk about education and you are so right, but this is not easily done as I’ve tried and am still trying. You need people wanting to listen if that should work.

However there is hope, as people is not that narrow-minded as it sometimes seems. My experience so far is that people do want to understand and it just takes a few seconds of meeting to break the spell and it comes from within. Sometimes it seems that it’s not the amount of time you spend to try to convince someone, instead it’s that touch that’s matters the most. I try to come out and touch people I don’t hide and for me and Marianne it seems to work.

As transsexuals we are so different, there is nothing really that tie us together just being transsexual. What does tie us together though is being human and that includes us all. Femke was no different than any of us, it’s just too sad that her family and children never got to meet her.

Best wishes.
-Li

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