Li Sam :: Beyond visual understanding

Monday February 23^rd2009: I was presented to a painting Saturday evening with “What do you think? What is this supposed to be?” he said to me. Well yes, a man; not the painting, there was a man presenting that painting to me and there were three of them; men that is. Marianne and I had been invited home to a reunion party to one of the guys and I have to admit that both Marianne and I had very much looked forward to this moment. But we were not sure last summer when we first met them in the Pride Park, if it was a one-time occasion or if we were to meet again. Anyhow, we had a great time and these three guys and our two meetings are to Marianne and me memories for life.

Okay, but first, I have a week to catch up here, so what has happened? Well it started small, on Tuesday I think it was, by an Oprah show replay from October 21, 2008, I happened to watch. There was this Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor and I reacted to several things she said in the program. She was (or is) a brain scientist and she had recovered from a massive stoke where she had been conscious all the time, but the left side of her brain was not functioning, so she experienced only the right side like, “I was an infant (little girl) in a woman’s body”: happy, euphoric… and so on. In a way I think she took her own gender for granted and I guess it’s because it matched with her body. As the show also indicated, we have something emotional inside us that we shouldn’t reject or deny. I call it the soul, and it’s life for me. I also believe that the infant Dr. Taylor talked about is our true selves, the child within us who makes us happy and makes it possible for us to love, exchange emotions and enjoy life.

I would have enjoyed hearing Dr. Taylor develop her thoughts into the gender area, as there are (especially here in Sweden) scientists and doctors claiming that gender is something, some centre somewhere, controlled by the brain. I don’t agree with that; it doesn’t add up. My experience tells me that gender is so much more than just a spot somewhere in the brain.

However, Dr. Taylor said something that trigged my mind “I’m in here, come and find me” and I do recognize this as I recognized a lot of other things she said. So two days after that I got this poem coming to me and you will find it at the end as I’m not through with this entry yet. There was something else I started of with and it was about a painting I and the others at the party were presented to. It was a small painting and it hung on a narrow wall to the right of a wide apartment window in central Stockholm. The walls in that room and the apartment were all in white and we were presented to other much bigger paintings too hung up in different places, but that small one caught my eye and I didn’t then know why but I liked it. There were some talk about fetus attached to something with an all black background and Marianne didn’t like it. But as I sometimes pick up words, the host said he bought art he felt for, “Stomach feeling” I think his exact words were.

So this morning when I woke up and after Marianne and I had had breakfast, I got the connection. There was something about that painting, something beyond that visual image and now I knew what. There is a story connected to this painting and my poem is very much a part of that story. There is something strange about this story though that makes it contrary, same contradictive feeling as the painting when looked upon. The painting can evoke positive or negative emotions and I guess my poem will do that too. But please, this takes time and don’t judge by eyesight like the words you read. You need to feel this. Take your time and follow the light.

Lost Child

From the first moment a child becomes aware,

A new life is born deep inside; it’s truly there.

Life creates feelings and seeks emotional bonds.

A mother feels that and with her love she responds.

At birth our eyes take over and find what they see.

“I’m in here mom, don’t look, come try and find me.”

Gender confusion breaks bonds and turns emotions away.

Why not stop and listen to what that child has to say?

If our love, that touch, never unlocks that room,

Then, will that child within ever come home?

Keywords: Gender, Diversity, Poetry, Life, AcrossBorders, Diary, Personal

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Comments

Re: Beyond visual understanding

by Shelly on Fri 27 Feb 2009 04:06 AM CET | Profile | Permanent Link

Li, when I was studying feminist theory in school, I read and talked about how powerful language is in gender identification, and in turn how that identification guides us, traps us, whatever. When I first started thinking about gender like this, how so much of how we related to each other has to with our gender, I was almost panicked. It was like all I could see was this tight wrapper around each person and there was no way to get out of the wrapper - no matter how you act or insist on being treated, our culture's gender associations are so strong we're stuck in this wrapper.

Some people talk about this person inside us, what you call the soul. Unmarred by societal gender associations. I haven't found this soul yet I don't think. I'm open to it though.

Re: Beyond visual understanding

by Li Sam on Mon 02 Mar 2009 10:53 AM CET | Profile | Permanent Link

I recognize what you are saying Shelly, even though I haven’t got any background education at all. However, there are many ways to learn, like there are many books. Some books express the same understanding and support each other, but there can be books telling a quite different story. Our society rely on books and the printed word as the truth and in one way I wonder if that could be the wrapper you are talking about.

By that I don’t mean that books are wrong, I think it’s just a matter of sorting things out, like what is applicable in various situations. When I struggled with my Gender Dysphoria, I already from start felt that there was something else, like a piece in a puzzle missing. Things just didn’t add up regardless of books, internet or what people and professionals told me. So there was a crack in my wrapper sort of speak and that helped me to stay alive, but I needed to change gender in order to do that and learn about myself, as the previous me was just a character society had forced upon me.

That something else, that piece of a puzzle, has turned out to be much bigger than the puzzle itself and I can refer to it as the soul. One thing I wonder and have thought about is to do a series of this something else, like exploring the unknown, the soul, and make use of the blog format to do that. Would that be interesting?

Re: Re: Beyond visual understanding

by Shelly on Tue 03 Mar 2009 01:15 AM CET | Profile | Permanent Link

I'm all for that idea, Li. Count me in for discussion if you decide to.

I remember feminist theory being about the language people speak as well as write, how the soul of the language forms people's identities according to their genders ... we speak to someone and about someone using formative language that is rooted in gender differences.