At the edge we apprehend our existence. It’s also there we are reborn.
Tuesday February 10th 2009: Life can take you anywhere and nowhere at the same time and come to think of it, is there a difference? I have been there at the abyss a number of times and I guess like a cat’s having nine lives, I have used all mine. However, I’m not counting anymore. And again this is not about death, it’s about life, the feeling of being alive and it’s about the future. It often happens that I think about life and what makes us exist as a person. Walking the cliff path with its scenery triggers a lot of thoughts and it’s easy to get lost in fantasyland. And when I do, it’s then all those hidden secrets of life reveal themselves.
I rose from the bench but I didn’t choose the same path as before. The ancient engraving on that route stone had shown me the route to “Life” and now I was very curious about the path leading to “Existence”, what could I possibly find there. I have to admit that the life path was both enjoyable and puzzling and it was definitely not straight forward; no highway sort to speak. So in a way I got a bit surprised that I once again was led to the same path leading to town. Was there a difference, or was I about to experience the same trip one more time. Well, I had no idea.
One of my experiences is that same situation can be very different depending on prerequisites. Like if you enter a room meeting people and you do it presenting yourself as one time a man and another time a woman, there is a difference and it’s huge.
Anyway, I was willing and followed the path with all my senses turned on 100% and ready to receive. I went far and nothing happened. The path I had walked had all been winding and taken me up and down on the cliffs on my way back to town, same as before. I could see the town coming closer and I knew it wasn’t far till the path ended and still nothing had happened. Well not quite true though. When I stopped and turned, like if I had dropped something, the path behind me was completely straightened. No winding up and down. Obviously a trip back would be a piece of cake.
I tried to go back to see what happened, no problem at all and when I turned again, the way I had walked was kept straightened to the point where I had turned in the first place. I had no idea and wasn’t able to figure that out, so I continued my walk back to town and still during the whole trip nothing happened. However, that last step leaving the path taking me down to the pavement could have been fatal. The path ended all right, but the pavement wasn’t there, I just took it for granted and almost fell.
The town was there all right, I could see it, but it was a giant step to reach the pavement taking me there. What to do now? I turned and the path behind me was flat and straight, almost like a highway. It would have been easy to go back, but I wanted to go to town. Looking towards town was like looking through a pair of binoculars, however, people there weren’t able to see me and I felt it like I didn’t exist, like I didn’t belong there.
“Life”, “Existence”
The route stone suddenly popped up in my mind. How does that work, what is the connection? Hmm… Life, my life, was something that I had brought with me and it included Marianne. Everything about my life, me being alive, I had brought with me where I stood now? Could it be that? Life was present and past, but in the future, did I exist? I had like paved the path behind me, making it easy going. I was known and respected everywhere, everyone knew me. So why would I even bother to try to take that step, a huge step to a place where no one knew me? I was a king where I stood and over there I was nothing. What in the world is pushing me? Oh God, there it is. Now I know the answer. It’s TIME. You can’t live in the past, but you can bring life values with you to the future.
Time was pushing me to the edge, there was a limit and I could feel that now. All those things I had brought with me were about to fall over the edge and I began to realize that I wasn’t the only one falling. Marianne was there with me and all those other flowers like family and friends and all those memorable moments we had had, everything that I had brought with me was about to vanish. No, I don’t want this to happen; all those flowers that I brought can’t be wasted like this. There must be a way out of this I thought, but no. Going back, I now knew I would just be a copy of myself, repeating and doing the same thing over and over again. But the moment, those moments that meant something, they would all be gone, they never repeat. These moments making life worth living, they are all to be found in the future. It’s there in the future these moments exist, nowhere else.
I stretch out my right leg and moved over all my body weight to the right side and as in a last final step I did it… The fall never happened and instead I found myself on the other side. The step to this nowhere land, or town that I recognize so well, was huge and I had no idea how things would turn out if I ever got there. But I did it, I took the step and I brought all my flowers with me. The path that I left in one big step is no longer there behind me, I can’t go back. Everything I was has vanished and now there’s only me. However, there is this strange feeling inside me and it’s growing. Oh God, that last engraving on the route stone “ME”. What direction? Leading where?
I found myself back in town again after yet another walk. A bit shaky perhaps, but of course it was all an illusion. However, what we imagine must come from somewhere and like old ancient fairytales, even if telling about dragons and wicked witches and so on, isn’t it some sort of truth in them after all?
