Through the gate where everything starts and ends, only our true selves can pass.
Wednesday February 11th 2009: Wakening up this morning felt different. On Saturday I’m going back home to
I found myself sitting on the bench starring into that ancient engraving on that route stone. It had shown me the route to “Life” and “Existence” and now there was only “Me” left. Both those previous trips I had enjoyed very much even though “Existence” got me a bit scared there for a while. But now looking back, it wasn’t that big a deal after all. However now, starring at that ancient stone I felt like starring at myself. It was like the stone surface was reflecting, but as the surface was not even and flat, it was very hard to see or even to get a glimpse of what might be there or what was supposed to be reflected.
Suddenly I felt cold, I felt scared and I didn’t want to stand up to be guided to this “Me” place, it all felt so awkward. I of course knew ME, everybody knew ME, but now I wasn’t so sure anymore. The route stone surface sort of floated back in time and I saw previous engravings vanish one by one in the reverse order they had been engraved. The “Existence” engraving vanished last and remaining was only “Me”. Where was all this leading me? Was I supposed to walk the path or not, or what?
If I had stood up I most probably would had fled, taking off in any direction. Walking? No way was I thinking of this as a pleasant walk anymore. This was scary and I couldn’t move. The stone took yet another turn in its transformation, opening up like three dimensional. The reflecting surface got deeper and the engraving “Me” vanished inside like in a science fiction movie where spaceships takeoff into the unknown. Was I supposed to follow? Now I really got scared.
I don’t know if I shrank or if the stone got bigger. I don’t know if the stone swallowed me or if I still was sitting at the bench being surrounded by an illusion. But now I could see; now I could see me. But who was I? What was I doing? I was walking a path, that I could see, but it was a very different path, not like any other. The path turned and twisted up and down, while I was walking straight forward. The path was adapting to me and not the other way around. Hmm… Am I in the middle here? Is it me everything revolves around? Is it me that matters, nothing else?
If I saw something that made me feel happy, the path turned in that direction, picked it up and brought it to me. If I tried to force myself in another direction I got sad and felt ill. So far walking the path I could only see me from the back and in the beginning it was all enjoyable childish things that made me happy. But my joy took me somewhere and the scenery changed as I walked. After a while I didn’t only feel happiness. Some people I met along the way changed something in me and I couldn’t deny the attraction. It got very weird though; there was no kind of sense of whom I was attracted to. Gender didn’t seem to matter, nor did looks. I got very curious, I still hadn’t seen my face; who was I? Didn’t MY gender matter in this at all?
This got weirder and weirder and I started to try to sort things out and I noticed that attraction was like a palette of colors. Not a single one of the colors were missing and they varied in both contrast and illumination and there were two sides of the palette. On one side of the palette, representing the left hand side of my path, all my friends were lined up and on my other side, the right hand side of the path, were all those people placed for whom my body reacted the most. There was something about this right hand side that made me want to come close to these people; I felt intimacy being near and I didn’t want to leave. After more sorting, I was able to see and feel a difference in people that I was attracted too. Now it got tricky. My friends were no problem, but that other side, the right hand side people got me wondering. There were still a mix of gender and looks didn’t seem to matter much, age however had narrowed to be more like mine, but still?
Oh God, all those feelings, what is this? Then suddenly; and I felt it like lightning. It’s me, these people, all these people gathering on both sides of my path are people I enjoy and would like to be with, it’s my feelings that make me the person I am. Life is about being happy and as a happy person I exist among friends and beloved ones. If I’m not happy no one else is and neither I nor they will show. I need to be happy, I need to be me. ME: that person inside the stone I had been following from behind till now turned. And at the same time the sky opened and I could hear it. There I was, like looking at myself in a mirror, an all clear and sharp picture of me and there was a depth in what I saw; I could feel me, every single piece of me fitted…
I stood up from the bench. I hadn’t taken a step, but in understanding I had walked miles. Now I knew that I could pass the gate with ease when that day was to come. I also understood that a child walking out through that very same gate is not supposed to be led in various other directions, that child is born to fit in as a person among us and as a flower, that child will make the meadow complete. That child should not be guided to non-existence, to someone she or he is not. Instead, that child should guide us; that’s how we meet. It’s that “Me” person we need to feel, enjoy and fall in love with when that time comes.
The path looked exactly the same as before. I have no idea how long I had been sitting there on that bench, but it didn’t matter. I started to walk, but before the first curve I turned and seriously looked back at that ancient route stone with gratitude in my heart. I respect nature, it’s there we are born, and it’s in nature all wisdom originates.
Oh yes, not to forget! There was something more, wasn’t it? Who was I? How did I look? What did that route stone show me? What did I see? Strange questions to answer, you will know when we meet. And perhaps next time you go for a walk you will find me there, somewhere, along your path, like I found you on mine?
