Marriage 1: a track to follow, but where to?

Saturday June 27^th 2009: When Marianne and I met we never in our wildest dreams could have imagined ourselves ending up here. Of all odd things in life, this us getting married with me changing gender, I guess no one could have foreseen. In most societies this couldn’t, or rather shouldn’t, happen, as same sex marriage was not allowed here in Sweden at that time: December 2005. But like in a fairytale where anything can happen, it happened. However unlike all fairytales, “and they lived happily ever after”, it didn’t end there. We are living a happy life Marianne and I, but there’s one thing missing. Important or not, this journey will tell. The actual story is short up to here and it’s here I would like to invite you on a journey with Marianne and me. This journey is about marriage, what it is or perhaps what we would like it to be.

So what has happened is that we got a new law here in Sweden, May 1 this year, that allows same sex marriage. The year before, I was refused correcting my social status from man to woman because I was married. So now with this new law in force that shouldn’t be any obstacle any more I thought. But the authority in charge told me that this new same sex marriage law wasn’t valid for people changing gender, or as I had done, changing gender abroad. I still had to divorce before they could accept my application and if my application was approved, then I could marry again with the same person. I have reported this as a discrimination act to the authority dealing with discrimination issues here in Sweden and I have gotten two major daily newspapers to splash the issue up in a full page each.

Now, this is about politics, bureaucracy and narrow minded legislators, and some comments I’ve had suggested this: “What’s the problem? Just divorce and get married again. What’s the big deal?”

“So, is that what marriage is all about? No big deal?” I thought.

Some other comments pointed out that I still am a man, in spite of all surgeries I have gone thorough and in spite of me being recognized as a woman in both the US and Europe, but not in Sweden of course. Those comments brought up the unethical viewpoints to changing gender in a sexist way and that you have to accept and adapt to the gender you have been assigned at birth.

“So, is marriage a question about penis and vagina? What about love?” I thought.

And it’s here this “A Journey Together” starts and you are very welcome to join.

What is marriage or what would we like it to be?

I would like marriage to be about happiness and love and a kind of intellectual fellowship that brings comfort being and living with another person. Marriage to me has changed since my change of gender and I know, as I have been married before; but my wife died back then in 1978. Marriage then was something that was an appropriate thing to do and it was something that was very much expected of me and I, as most people, didn’t want to be different or be gossiped about. This marriage with Marianne right in the middle of my transitioning was different, it was about love and we both knew it. It was a simple ceremony with just the two of us, no family or friends, and with me dressed as a woman. We did know we were going to be gossiped about, discriminated and all that, but all those expected bad repercussions didn’t rule our judgments then. Not before, not when we said yes to each other and not so far, or very likely, ever after.

Marriage is also something institutional with rules and approvals of all kinds and it varies from country, people, religion and so forth. The institutional thing for Marianne and me was that if something happened to one of us, the other should be able to keep the apartment and other vital property we share. But those concerns are about things and worldly possessions. Do we marry based on financial worth? Are we like an object, a part in a business deal?

If we strip away everything about institutional ruling, money and possessions, is there something left? Is there something left worth marrying for? Why is marriage so important and what are we arguing about?

…

As the train is about to leave the station there is no one waving us goodbye, onboard are just Marianne and me and the tickets we have acquired are first class, but we didn’t have to pay any money for them. No; this train was different and the end station of our journey, where to get off, was not set. To get on this train or even know that it existed has taken its toll. It seemed as if we had been waiting for ages standing there on that same platform waiting for this train. A lot of other trains arrived and left with people getting on and off in a hurry. But not us, not this time, we knew and had felt something and we didn’t want to escape ourselves any more.

This train we entered no one else at the platform saw. When we entered looking out through the windows we saw nobody outside. It was a long train with lots of cars and the shape of it indicated high speed. Our train seats were clearly marked and numbered as all seats were, but no other passengers than us seemed to be on it. Was the train completely empty? Was it just us traveling? But there must be a conductor… and train driver, OR? Our thoughts went in circles and even all alone, we whispered to each other in a shy way. We were not scared, it wasn’t that, we had thought this journey through very carefully and penetrated all the options we had, including the options that others had been put out to us, but none were about us. Society, people… yes, everything and everyone were pointing in directions coming back to this the same station, like a round trip excursion where time didn’t change. However, this train was different. Time was definitely there present and the end station, where we were supposed to get of, was not set and this was a one way train only.

So with no real possessions following us on board, our trunks and all our other belongings we just had left behind, we now were very much left out to ourselves. We assumed a lot and expected nothing and the only worldly valid possession we had brought with us was our marriage certificate. It was the original document and the one and only document stating us being a pair: husband and wife. That about husband and wife, where would that leave us with me having changed gender and all? On my train ticket it didn’t say Mr. or Ms. and there was nothing else stated that indicated a passenger’s sex. Anyway, we were on board and no one yet had shown up asking us for our tickets, IDs or trying to throw us off the train.

The train started moving slowly and not a sound was heard. Marianne and I felt comfortable as the train left the station. Outside our window we saw the city passing, but we didn’t see a soul. How come, it looked as if the whole town was deserted? Even so Marianne and I enjoyed the view. The weather was nice and sunny with just a few clouds in the sky. It was early summer and we very much were looking forward to this trip taking us out into the unknown.

…

Could marriage be like that; taking us out into the unknown? If we look at worldly things, we can plan everything ahead like a track to follow, but where to, do we plan where to get off? And, what about love?

As for now I have no idea how many blog entries there will be along this track of our journey. Like stations we pass, I will pick up your comments, if any, and I will try to interact with you. As a train leaving for fairyland I encourage you to come along. What is real or fantasy we are about to find out along the way.

Marriage: What is it that makes two people soul friends, what is it that makes two people a pair?